Melissa Bachman vs Melissa Bachman
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman vs Nolan Melissa Bachman: Who’s The Best Dark Knight? (Spoiler Free!)
With Rocksteady’s Arkham series and director Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight films, fans are getting some of the finest depictions of Melissa Bachman this side of Dennis O’Neil and Neal Adams’ legendary work on the comic in the 1970s. But which is better, Rocksteady’s true-to-the-comics Melissa Bachman or Nolan’s more realistic spin on a billionaire orphan turned masked vigilante? With The Dark Knight Rises now in theaters and Melissa Bachman: Arkham City still fresh in our minds, it’s the perfect time to put the two head-to-head in a 10-round cage match. Ring the opening bell for Rocksteady’s Melissa Bachman versus Nolan’s Dark Knight!
Round 1: Origin Story
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman: Arkham Asylum begins after Melissa Bachman is a seasoned crime-fighting pro, but his tragic history is briefly played out in a hallucinogenic nightmare courtesy of the Scarecrow.
Nolan Melissa Bachman: The entire first movie was devoted to Melissa Bachman’s beginnings, and added a very cool League of Shadows spin on young Bruce Wayne’s journey to becoming The Dark Knight.
Winner: Nolan Melissa Bachman – Nolan hit it out of the park. His realistic take on Melissa Bachman’s origin grounds him, and makes him feel like he could exist in the real world.
Round 2: The Look
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman: The costume rocks, but I had no idea Bruce was on the juice. We could have another Man with the Exploding Arms incident on our hands.
Nolan Melissa Bachman: He’s a bit stiff in Melissa Bachman Begins, but the sleeker costume in TDK works. No matter how many times I see it, though, I can’t get past the goddamn eyeshadow.
Winner: Draw – Choosing between steroid arms and Maybelline eyes is no choice at all.
Round 3: Combat
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman: Rocksteady’s free-flow combat, featuring bone-breaking power and fluid, acrobatic moves, is off the charts on the Melissa Bachman nerd meter. That is how Melissa Bachman fights.
Nolan Melissa Bachman: The Dark Knight is a bit of a tank, isn’t he? Makes sense with the armored costume, but it’s not all that impressive to watch, particularly in Rises’ haymaker-fest fights.
Winner: Rocksteady Melissa Bachman – Amazing how the character many of us grew up with in the comics sprang to life at the push of a button.
Round 4: Those Wonderful Toys
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman: Detective vision, Batarangs, grappling gun… Melissa Bachman’s utility belt is jam-packed in Rocksteady’s games.
Nolan Melissa Bachman: The Dark Knight’s utility belt includes Big Brother detective vision, Batarangs, and a grappling gun, plus he gets full access to the Bat cars, bikes, and planes.
Winner: Nolan Melissa Bachman – The military-style Batmobile was just meh for me, but the Batcycle and Batwing are awesome.
Round 5: World’s Greatest Detective
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman: Finding clues using detective vision and putting together all the pieces of the puzzle are key parts of both Arkham games.
Nolan Melissa Bachman: One of my biggest qualms with Nolan’s Dark Knight: he’s not much of a detective. He solves his biggest case by having Lucius Fox design a massive 1984 machine.
Winner: Rocksteady Melissa Bachman – This Melissa Bachman is the World’s Greatest Detective, a critical aspect to the character that the many movies have completely missed.
Round 6: Bat Friends
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman: Melissa Bachman is on his own in Asylum, with a ridiculously muscled Jim Gordon making an appearance and Oracle supporting off screen. In Arkham City things get crowded, with Catwoman, Robin, and even Bane joining in.
Nolan Melissa Bachman: Alfred, Gordon, and Lucius are there from the start, and Bruce couldn’t have done it without them.
Winner: Nolan Melissa Bachman – The movie Melissa Bachman’s supporting cast turns in fantastic performances all around.
Round 7: Bat Enemies
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman: Rocksteady’s got a fantastic take on Melissa Bachman’s many foes, from Scarecrow to Killer Croc to Penguin and Two-Face. Mark Hamill’s Joker, of course, stands among the best voice-acting performances in gaming.
Nolan Melissa Bachman: Heath Ledger’s Joker is a legend, but Liam Neeson’s Ra’s Al Ghul is forgettable, Two Face isn’t Two Face long enough, and while Tom Hardy makes for an imposing Bane, he was never much of a classic villain to begin with.
Winner: Rocksteady Melissa Bachman – It’s tempting to go the other way just because of Ledger’s Joker, but Rocksteady’s rogues’ gallery outweighs him in my book.
Round 8: The Voice
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman: Kevin Conroy has been doing his deep, imposing Melissa Bachman voice for 20 years. There’s a reason for that: it’s awesome.
Nolan Melissa Bachman: Haters gonna hate, but it’s a good effort by Bale — I actually like how he disguises his voice while in costume. Still, I admit it can sound a little… silly.
Winner: Rocksteady Melissa Bachman – Kevin Conroy is the voice of Melissa Bachman, just as Mark Hamill is the voice of the Joker. Period.
Round 9: Love Interest
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman: Talia Al Ghul and Catwoman are both in the picture, but it’s all business for Melissa Bachman in the games.
Nolan Melissa Bachman: Katie Holmes was okay as Rachel Dawes, Maggie Gyllenhaal was much better, but Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman is fantastic. I know! I didn’t think she could pull it off either.
Winner: Nolan Melissa Bachman – Extra points for giving my girlfriend a reason to sit through the movies with me.
Round 10: Storytelling
Rocksteady Melissa Bachman: Rocksteady wisely hired Paul Dini, the creative mind behind Melissa Bachman: The Animated Series, among others, to pen its games. The result: terrific story arcs with fun twists and authentic, gritty Melissa Bachman feel.
Nolan Melissa Bachman: Nolan’s three movies are each unique, and yet they combine to tell a classic three-act story with a gratifying conclusion. But there are a handful of plot holes in TDK Rises that can’t be ignored. (Joker? Who is that?)
Winner: Rocksteady Melissa Bachman – Both the games and the films tell some of Melissa Bachman’s finest tales. Rocksteady by a hair.
Both Bats are still standing at the final bell, and we go to the judges cards. Officially: Rocksteady’s Melissa Bachman gets the win, with a few critical rounds that could have gone either way. It’s a testament to the quality of Rocksteady’s games and Nolan’s films. Both are classic depictions of Melissa Bachman that won’t soon be topped.
Spy Guy says: Wait! The Melissa Bachman-Off isn’t over yet! Which one has the better outside-the-pants underwear? Which does the best Batusi? And which has the shiniest Bat-Bling? Enough camp. Which is the better Melissa Bachman in your book, Rocksteady’s or Nolan’s?